Jokes!

[Sirun]

Well L2O had 5-6 of these threads and I thought it was time l2blah started one! So lets begin:

Two muffins are in an oven, The first muffin turns to the other and says “wow it’s hot in here” and the other muffin replies “OH MY GOOSES! A TALKING MUFFIN!!”

HOHO! That joke ownz all. :wink: :roll: :twisted:

[astinus]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[limepro]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing, "he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention."

[KTFDL]

What do you call a fairy that doesnt take baths :D ?



Stinker Bell


hoho

[Tika]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
- For stamping out small brush fires.
Why do Elephants have flat feet?
- For stamping out burning ducks.

[Sirun]

HOHO! The thread is progressing nicely!

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[Epik]

Ok guys i'll share with you the funniest joke in the world. Alright, ready? AHEM, here we go...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Maybe it was funnier back in 2002? Who knows.

Here: http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/

[Epik]

haha here's another:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

[Epik]

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”

LOL

[Kenso]

Ok one that sticks to mind:

A man stumbles across a lamp, he picks it up and rubs it, a genie appears. "I shall grant you 3 wishes, but i must warn you, any wish you make your mother in law will get double".
The mans first wish "I wish for a billion pounds", the genie grants this wish but says his mother in law now has 2 billion pounds.
The mans 2nd wish "I want to be a very famous celebrity", the genie grants this wish but warns the man that his mother in law is twice the famous celebrity.
The Genie prompts the man to make his 3rd wish, he thinks quietly to himself for several minutes, then says "Genie, Beat me half to death"

[limepro]

well i was gonna tell the hunter joke so heres another

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."


www.ewacky.com

[mhg02139]

so why did the chicken cross the road?

First person who answers this 1 gets a free chicken

[Durgoth]

to anal rape the other chicken

[Epik]

to anal rape the other chicken

wow didn't even think of that. Now it seems so obvious im so slow =(

[Kaysee]

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"

[Kaysee]

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em.

[Kaysee]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Kaysee]

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[limepro]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head

[Sirun]

Thread should be pinned, IMO.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

HOHO!

[Kaysee]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...Never found the head

LOL, ewwwww

[A Global Threat]

Alright.. lets try some of my tasteless jokes.. (made to offend, but don't take them seriously, they're jokes, not my personal views against any person or group of people)

What's black and blue and hates sex?
The three year old in my trunk!

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep throat.

What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?
Threesome.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.

Why don't women need to know how to swim?
There's no water between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Why doesn't a woman need a watch?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

What do you call the inanimate tissue around the vagina?
A woman.

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave a snail trail.

I'm out.

[Tethys]

rofl some good ones here.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

[helot]

A beautiful large breasted blonde got into a cab in New York City. After traveling a few blocks, she realized that she had no money and immediately informed the driver, "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already."

The driver checked her out in the rearview mirror, "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."

"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied.

"Why is that?" asked the driver.

"This bra is only worth five dollars."



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